Why I’m Overweight

Dinnertime in my childhood, one could not leave the table until one’s plate was completely clean.  We were told that there were starving children in places like “Narnia” and other countries that didn’t speak English.  I believed it too, because we had a set of encyclopedias at home that showed pictures of children in other countries, and they were very skinny.  I often wondered why the photographers didn’t bring food to them? Heck, even my grandmother had a candy drawer that was readily accessible (sometimes after dinner)…..where were these children’s grandmothers?  Anyway, most nights I would not have a problem cleaning off my plate mainly because of a serious condition that I could never find evidence of having……..I had a hole in my leg.  At least that is what my stepfather would say to me, especially when puberty came a-knockin’.   Those rare nights of struggle however were caused by the usual suspects.  Suspects plural because of one item.  I heard a lot of four-letter words in my childhood, but this string of four letters always made me uncomfortable!

Although it was only one item, I swear there were millions of them always on my dinner plate.  Peas!  Yes, peas is why I am overweight now.  I couldn’t stand the taste of peas by themselves.  I think my family invented the Himlich Maneuver before Himlich even conceived his plan when a renegade pea strategically hid underneath my mash potatoes one night causing my “Pea-dar” to launch into stage one of gagdom!  I needed a strategy to successfully remove the peas from my plate and receive the “You’re excused from the table” permission from the overlords.

My first attempt at a plan I thought was genius.  Peas are round, they should roll.  If I could secure a seat at the dinner table that was uphill, they could fall and gravity would roll them into the corner, out of sight.  Then the pea-eating dog would eat the evidence.  There were two immediate failures to my plan.    First, my father at the time was a carpenter and the damn table, chairs and floor were plum and level.  Second, I was the 3rd of three children.  I never got to vote or select a pea-eating dog for a family pet.

Plan B was then designed.  I wasn’t sure if this plan had a “Slim” chance or “Fat” chance to succeed.  I think it means the same thing, it just depends if you look at your plate as half full or just full.

Plan B knew that there is only so much surface area on a dinner plate (63.585″ on a 9″ plate………….finally, I’m using geometry that was taught in high school).  Of course I didn’t know the specific measurements at such a young age, I just knew I had to show a little “Green” on the plate to satisfy the judge and jury.   Plan B  was to fill the limited amount of surface area on the plate with likeable foods that I could finish.  I would fill the plate with meat, potatoes, corn and biscuits first.  Crescent rolls were the best as they took up more space than your normal round biscuit.  Being a non-co-mingler type eater, this left very little “Clean” space on the plate for those nasty peas.  I was able to down enough peas to receive the “Excused” from table pardon from Genghis and Chaka Khan.

What’s the popularity with peas anyway?  Peter Piper didn’t pick a peck of peas. He didn’t pick a pallet, a plethora or pint of peas.  He didn’t pick a packet or even a pair or paltry amount of peas.  He picked no peas to pleasure or pacify his palette at his palatial personal pagoda.  It wasn’t Jack and the Peastalk!  In fact, sticking with nursery rhymes, even in the Princess and the Pea, those nasty things were hidden under a mattress.  Unfortunately for me, I wasn’t allowed to bring mattresses to the dinner table (that was Plan C).  Stupid family rules!

The “Can’t leave until your plate is clean” was ingrained in my brain and still is to this day.  The additional caloric intake through my life in efforts to avoid peas via larger helpings of foods that actually taste good, has many commas in the total and the decimal is way on the right side of that number.  Those calories did build up.  I’m not saying that I’m fat, I’m just easier to see.

I also looked towards my BMI results for encouragement, but I’m undertall for my weight.  BMI was created back in the 1830’s by a Belgian astronomer/mathematician/statistician/sociologist whose name is as long as his job titles.  Keep in mind that the average man in 1830 was 5’5″ tall and weighed 166 pounds. The NFL didn’t even recruit the Belgian’s back then.   Heck, Belgian Waffles weren’t invented until 1958, so the index does need some updating.  I’m also pretty convinced that since it was invented in Belgian, the formula lost some math somewhere during the transition from metric.

So I looked it up; there are 300,000 acres of peas grown in the United States.  That would feed a lot of starving children in Narnia and they wouldn’t have to learn English.  Just the letter “P”.  There are about 349 million acres of farmland in the United States.  Therefore, peas account for 8/10’s of 1% of U.S. farmland.  I don’t know the percentage of peas that end up in Narnia, but 70% of peas are actually exported from the United States. Obviously there are fewer pea-eating dogs in the United States than I first thought.  According to the FDA, one serving of peas is a 1/2 cup and they total around 20-30 peas and 42 calories.  Sadly, there is no scientific evidence (as found in celery) that peas burn more calories through digestion than what the food contains.  That could have been a game changer to the pea lobbyists.  Peas are rumored to be high in manganese and vitamins B1 and K.  How they are not good in vitamin P is astonishing to me, but most scientists probably don’t eat or study peas either.   I wasn’t the best student, but I NEVER received the letter grade “K” in school.  Peas can’t even get good vitamin grade.  I state rumored earlier, as most pea-eating scientists are closeted pea eaters or suffer from PTSD (Peas Taste So Delicious).

I still don’t like peas.  I read somewhere that the pea industry was testing putting peas in guacamole dip.  Seriously, how much more do you want your food to look like crushed grasshoppers?  After several counseling sessions, I don’t blame my parents for any of my weight issues.  I’ve learned as I get older and wiser to simply stay away from things that make you fat.  Mirrors, scales and photographs are such things.

I will admit……Peas aren’t all bad.  I have heard that the best use for peas………..
…..is sitting on a bag of them after hemorrhoid or vasectomy surgery!